Archive for the 'Social Issues' Category

The Value of Art

I’ve always been attracted to books that explore the darkness of humanity rather than books that explore sweetness and light. When I’m compelled by a romance within a book or a movie, it’s because the romance offers a three-dimensional understanding of how relationships work—the dysfunction and darkness riddled through with grace and redemption, or vice versa.

I think this is one reason why Flannery O’Connor’s work is read widely by people in the world and misunderstood by religious people. She saw grace emerging right in the middle of sin, mushrooms growing in manure, and she didn’t try to mitigate the ugliness of evil even while she demonstrated the human capacity for redemption in the midst of it. Her stories are completely believable, whereas the message that the church sent me while I was growing up—that redemption is found only in places and people that have already been cleaned up and redeemed and sanitized—I discovered to be patently false as I grew older.

Lately, I’ve been reading a ton of mysteries and thrillers. The central mystery of my life—the human need for redemption, the fact that some people seek it and others run away from it—revolves around deeper things than murder or kidnapping or the myriad of crimes that crop up in mysteries. Yet crime plays a huge role in my understanding of redemption.

I’m terribly concerned by what I see all around me: how our society punishes people for being poor; how it ghettoizes poor people and then lets those neighborhoods rot and wallow in crime; how imprisonment is part of the status quo for young people growing up in poor neighborhoods, not because those kids start off bad but because there are few alternatives open to them beyond crime and gang life; how we feel justified in harsh prison sentences—after all, we’re protecting the rest of society from the bad guys; how we offer little that could uplift or redeem people out of violence and crime and poverty.

We offer neither mercy nor justice through our legal system or our welfare system or our education system.  And we don’t uplift through those programs either. Though like anybody, I want to be protected from violent and evil people, I also understand the terrible cycle our society has created: though not solely responsible for what humans will do, we help create and maintain the criminal elements, and then we punish it. I’m horrified by the fact that we (both liberals and conservatives) pay enormous amounts of money for (and agitate for) systems that perpetuate the problem rather than alleviate it.

I’d like to see more redemption and less darkness. But I don’t know how to achieve it in human society, which often seems hopelessly corrupt to me. Yet I do see art as a shot of light in an otherwise dark situation. All forms of art—literature, music, film, paintings, etc—have the ability to reveal the truth of both darkness and light in a way that our political, legal, and educational systems can’t.

I guess that’s why I never became a political activist and, instead, spend my days reading and writing.

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This Thing Called the Future

The catalog copy from my forthcoming book, This Thing Called the Future by J.L. Powers

South Africa & AIDS. Fourteen-year-old Khosi yearns for this thing called the future. Does she want too much?

Khosi lives with her beloved grandmother—Gogo—her little sister Zi and her weekend mother in a matchbox house on the outskirts of Pietermaritzburg, South Africa. In that shantytown, it seems like somebody is dying all the time. Billboards everywhere warn of the disease of the day. Her Gogo goes to a traditional healer when there is trouble, but her mother, who works in another city and is wasting away before their eyes, refuses to go even to the doctor. She is afraid and Khosi doesn’t know what it is that makes the blood come up from her choking lungs. Witchcraft? A curse? AIDS?  Can Khosi take her to the doctor? Gogo asks. No, says Mama, Khosi must stay in school. Only education will save Khosi and Zi from the poverty and ignorance of the old Zulu ways.

 School, though, is not bad. There is a boy her own age there, Little Man Ncobo, and she loves the color of his skin, so much darker than her own, and his blue-black lips, but he mocks her when a witches’ curse, her mother’s wasting sorrow and a neighbor’s accusations send her and Gogo scrambling off to the sangoma’s hut in search of a healing potion.

 J.L. Powers holds master’s degrees in African History from State University of New York-Albany and Stanford. She won a Fulbright-Hayes to study Zulu in South Africa, and served as a visiting scholar in Stanford’s African Studies Department. This is her second novel for young adults.

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Forgetting Children Born of War

In the coming months, readers of my blog will be treated to a lot of thoughts on children and war, since I’m editing a collection of essays on the topic. You’ll also be treated to a lot more thoughts on South Africa, since my second novel, THIS THING CALLED THE FUTURE, a coming of age novel  based in South Africa, is being released in April 2011.  

For those who want to read my thoughts on the new book by scholar R. Charli Carpenter Forgetting Children Born of War, the review was published on Feminist Review, August 1.

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On the church and gays

“I had hoped that [Ted] Haggard [the former head of the National Association of Evangelicals, caught with a male prostitute in 2006], upon feeling the overwhelming shunning wrath of his Christian brothers and sisters after his revelation, would come to an intimate understanding of how the gay and lesbian community feels about the church—how those who claim to follow Christ will turn their backs on you when you need them the most. In that shunning, I had hoped that Haggard might arrive at a new place—where he would realize how painful that is for the person shunned and vow to never, ever do that to anyone if he were ever back in the position to lead a church.” –Candace Chellew-Hodge, Religion Dispatches

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Youme Landowne: Creating a Safe Place to Talk About Hard Things

Youme Landowne is the author and illustrator of the picture book Selavi (That is Life): A Haitian Story of Hope (Cinco Puntos Press), which tells the true story of how street children came together in Haiti to create their own family and home despite difficulties they encountered. She is also the co-author and illustrator with Anthony Horton, of Pitch Black (Don’t be Skerd) (Cinco Puntos Press), a graphic novel that recounts the story of a homeless artist that Youme met in the New York subway. Anthony Horton takes her deep into the underground tunnels that he calls “home” and shows her his art and tells her about his lifelong search for belonging.

Youme’s newest book, Mali Under the Night Sky: A Lao Story of Home (due out Summer 2010), continues to explore what it means to lose one’s home. In this story, Youme tells the true story of a young Lao girl who, though she becomes a refugee, keeps her home in her heart no matter where she goes.

I talked to Youme this month about what it’s like to write about social issues for children and teenagers (and adults!), and how she balances hope with reality. Below is the transcript of our interview.

Jessica: All of your books have been about homelessness in some way. Why are you so fascinated with the topic?

Youme: I think it has to do with the questions I have about the world. Really, we all have a home—our home is our body on the planet. But there’s the central question of how could anyone not have a home, how could we as humans keep each other from what we need? Of course, hunger is even more fundamental than that, but from my own experience if we have a base, we can get what we need, but if we don’t have a base, there’s no foundation for getting what we need. I think I’m trying to explore the idea that we’re responsible for ourselves and at the same time we’re responsible for each other.

For Mali [in Mali Under the Night Sky], she knows that her home is with her even when she’s not there—and that her strength comes from everything that was her wonderful home when she was there. Honestly, she’s 39 and she still gets her strength from that childhood home and what it has meant to her all her life.

For Tony, in Pitch Black, he never had something that he could call home. The place he’s been the longest is the tunnels in New York. He has several locations he can camp out in, he knows people, the streets of  New York are the closest he has to home and he knows it well, but it is still not home.

[My stories seem to explore those areas] between the strength of coming from a strong home, and having to leave it, or coming from nothing and having to build it. In my family, I had people who had to leave their countries, and people who stayed in one place for a long time, and from both of those experiences, I learned the value of home.

 My big question for the world is, “How much power do we have and how much power can we share?” For children especially, they have a lot of power, and they’re often very vulnerable, so I often think about the bravery of children

It’s not that I feel powerless. I write about homelessness because I want us all to look at our own power, understanding how we, as children and adults, create home in whatever situation we’re in. I remember reading the book Our House is a Car Right Now—that one definitely had the idea that we make home, the idea that if somebody tells you your situation is bad, you might believe it. Instead, you can work together to get a better situation for everyone.

Some of my strongest influences [growing up] were books that said you are as responsible for the way you view things as what anybody tells you. There’s a book about a caterpillar who thinks he’s a mustache (Hubert the Caterpillar who thought he was a moustache) and everybody laughs at him, but he doesn’t give in and he ends up in a dark place; when he comes out, he thinks he’s an eagle and he is happy (the illustration shows a butterfly on a flagpole). He’s ready to believe in himself.

I was making books before I knew how to write or read. I drew about the author pages and eventually wrote blurbs and reviews on the backs. Books were a place I could go when I didn’t feel safe in the world, they were a sort of home for me—and when I came out, I felt better, more informed, more meditative. A book is a public and a private place; a story is a place where everyone has a home even if it’s just the length of the story.

Jessica: Let’s talk about your first book, Selavi, which tells the story of how a group of street children started their own homeless shelter in Haiti and eventually started their own radio station by and for children. How did you get the idea for that book?

Youme: I was looking for a story about a group of heroes rather than an individual hero story. Though the story still ended up focusing on the character Selavi, my goal was to show how [the children could not have created the shelter] without all of them [working together], and I think the same is true for making a home.

I heard someone from the radio station speak at a fundraiser in U.S. about the shelter in Haiti and I said, “I want to interview you,” and the journalist said, “You can come to Haiti and interview the children at the radio station, it’s not that far away.” So the first time I visited, I stayed at the shelter, and I had a sketch of the story, and it was my graphic version of whole history of Haiti, starting with the native people, kind of visually showing how the land had been over-farmed for sugar so that things wouldn’t grow, etc, trying to get all the roots which grew into the radio station, the children and the shelter. The children looked at it and said, “This is good but you can do better.” With the next version, they said, this is better, but it should be funnier.” (That is a lesson I take to heart!)

I often think about metaphors, and how the relationship we have with one individual is similar to the relationships we have with a community, or a nation. I wanted to talk about all of Haiti’s history for that reason.

There was one researcher who was there at the time, when I first went, and he published a short paper saying that Selavi [my book] glorifies what was a terrible situation. And I wrote back to him, asking him to engage about that, and I never heard from him. I guess what I want to say is that there were a lot of terrible things going on at that shelter, and at the same time, a lot of incredible things were happening. So as storytellers, I am aware that I am making choices about what parts of the story I am going to tell.

 Jessica: What do you think children understand about homelessness? What do they take away from your books, or what do you hope they take away from your books?

Youme: I think every time a child leaves their house and goes out into the world to school, or to an unknown place, they’re potentially thinking, ‘Where am I allowed to be? Where am I comfortable?’ They have an appreciation and an understanding for what it can be like to not be in control of their housing . When we say homelessness, we’re often  talking about going more than a week without a house–sometimes it’s one night, sometimes it is several years, and those are all very different experiences. When I talk to students about Selavi, I ask them, “How many people here have ever had the feeling when you stay over at someone’s house that they wish you weren’t there? Did you feel at home or homesick? What have people done to let you know it really is o.k. to be there?”

Many children when they leave to go to school don’t have the safety of their home around them anymore. Conversely for some children, school is the only “safe” they encounter. I think I’m a little bit obsessed with questions about risk and safety. Where is safe? And even in unsafe situations, how can we be as safe as possible? What’s in our control as children, as adults? Not that we shouldn’t take risks but how can we assess our risks, and nurture ourselves from a place of strength? A lot of people who have faced risks have been put in a social category of “damaged” and with homelessness, there can be an internalized stigma. Tony in Pitch Black doesn’t know if he’s ever going to emotionally be able to stay in one place, because he’s never done it or built up a community of people who would encourage him to do it.

So yes, I think children have a particular understanding of homelessness and also an understanding of power dynamics because they’re not in charge of whether they have a house, it’s the people around them that are. Everything comes from home, and what we experience. For some reason, all my books have dealt with home in some way.

I’ve met some librarians and teachers that say that they don’t know how to read Selavi to children—I think because they don’t see the hope, they only see the hard parts. The first page is very hard and it can be hard to get past that first page, and the page where they talk about how they lost their families is incredibly hard.

But I’ve read it to all ages of children. I ask questions as I go (which makes some audience members impatient), but it is important for me to get a sense of that particular audience. Sometimes I talk about the pictures as a way of working through the more challenging words.

What continues to be important is that the children in Haiti had these experiences and lived through them. They knew about wealthy children hearing from their parents that ‘street children’ weren’t good children because they were poor, and the children didn’t want other children being taught that. They would ask, “Why do adults teach children things like that?” I guess I like to examine those things. It’s important to me to speak truthfully and honestly about my experience but also to speak hopefully. Life is all of our responsibility together, not just one person. It seemed like in the 80s, there was a trend of stories putting pressure and responsibility on children without giving them tools or access to respond to social and environmental concerns. I can see that came out of a time period of books and education when children were being told that there were problems in the world and children were responsible to make it a better world. Like, clean up your world, it’s not going to last much longer unless you clean your room and go lobby the government and I know you don’t have money as a child but it’s your responsibility. I also had role models of children who did make a difference in their communities and in the world. I am happy to say that there are more stories out there now about children being listened to. Children’s authors are as much as anyone are trying to bring hope into the world. But it seemed like [during the 70s and 80s], there was a trend to talk about difficult things without empowering children.

Jessica: I get frustrated with picture books that talk about social issues. It seems to me that they present only half the picture. Like any children’s writer, I believe in presenting hope to children. I can’t live without it myself so why would I write something that lacks it altogether? Yet at the same time, for every child that’s rescued from a terrible situation (like domestic violence), there are several kids who live all their lives in its shadow. For every kid who ends up in a good foster care home, there are dozens that end up in foster care homes that are as bad as, or worse than, the home they left. How do we talk about these things in children’s books—particularly picture books? I feel like we usually ignore the difficult side of these stories when we write for children. It feels like we lie to them. I suppose if we talked about these things the way they really are, nobody would publish them.

Youme: I get where you’re coming from and it’s telling what publishers won’t touch. We live in a system where some of these things are perpetuated and that system is not designed to support a change. There’s a book I heard about years ago called White Woman Social Worker, and it was introduced with the argument that the social worker system was designed not only to alleviate the problem but to maintain the structure within which the problem exists. We have to comfort each other if we’re going to make it through a day. We also have to challenge each other if we’re going to make it through a day. Can we comfort and challenge at the same time? I’ve been very grateful that I have had support in attempting that in my books. Cinco Puntos (an independent smaller publisher) has provided a vehicle for my stories to reach a wider audience.

That open-endedness that I was criticized for by larger publishers now seems to be one of my strengths. For example in Pitch Black, in all of my books actually, I don’t end saying that it’s all okay. I say that the strength of the people in that situation made it better than it was before.

Jessica: What about Pitch Black? It’s so much grittier and stark than Selavi. Have you read that to young children?

Sixth graders in New York is the youngest I’ve read that to and many of them had a brother or a cousin or an uncle or a father who’s been in that situation.

An 8-year-old friend of mine picked the book up and his mom encourages him to read everything. He read it, he was pretty quiet afterwards, and I asked him, “Do you think it was too old for you?” and he said, “Yes, I think maybe it was.” We talked about it. He recognized that it was a sad story and a hard story. On the other hand, I’ve read Selavi to kindergarteners.

Part of the reason of doing the books is to create a safe place to talk about hard things. I’m not sure where I got my “don’t tie it up neatly” sensibility, probably from the world, which doesn’t tie things up neatly. Maybe because of a desire for the very thing that you’re talking about—not to lie to children. We look for the success stories because we know we need success, we need to visualize it in order for it to happen. I don’t know if we can give hope to one another. I sort of feel like stories can help create a space where people can remember it in themselves, though I don’t think that’s the same thing as giving hope. So it’s part of why stories are so powerful.

This is going to be the central contradiction in my life and work—I’m optimistic because I can’t live with the alternative. I know that entropy is part of the world. I love biology, and I realize that everything is falling apart all the time. I don’t think there’s a separation between destructive and life-giving forces, they’re happening at the same time. At the same time, there’s something in me that knows if I don’t find a way to feel good in this moment, I’m contributing to feeling bad at some level. A lot of people tell me I’m not realistic. I expect the people that I meet to be brilliant and shining and open and I find that they are more times than not. People tell me I’m too open, I know I can be annoying and unrealistic and yes, sometimes even offensive—but I guess I’ve tried the alternative and it is against my nature. It’s strange because I write about things that some people find very negative but I’m dazzled by the human response to a challenge and I want everyone to learn from that. So I don’t see the children in Selavi as “those poor kids.” I see them as brilliant and very strong kids that have something that the world needs to learn from.

Jessica: I like what you said just now, that “part of the reason of doing the books is to create a safe place to talk about hard things.” Can you talk about that a little bit more? 

Youme: I believe humans are communicating beings. Even if one of us doesn’t have have another person to talk to, we can have the conversations with ourselves and with one another’s ideas by reading a book. Even beyond words, when I’m making a composition of the page, I’m thinking beyond the frame of the page. I’m definitely thinking about what’s happening outside the world of the book. So the book is a conversation and if the stories and images can help somebody talk to someone about what is important to them, maybe to voice a question they may have thought needed to stay hidden, then our story continues together in the world.

Part of my motivation for writing Selavi, (before I realized how little books make), was to help raise money for the radio station and programs in Haiti and the U.S. that support listening to children. I didn’t realize that I could have written a letter and gotten more money and resources in a few months than I raised in the seven years it took to get Selavi published. But writing the book was about mobilizing love and attention for Haiti, a counter voice to negative stories about Haiti. I was motivated to publish because I thought it would be useful to more people than just myself. And it furthers a conversation that otherwise people might not know how to begin. I find that a lot of adults don’t know how to start that conversation. People ask, “What age is it for?” For me, picture books are for people reading together—for the parents, grandparents, friends reading to their children and babies.

I feel like we can’t talk about homelessness without talking about the racism and classism, the systems that our country (or other countries) have institutionalized…I grew up in a culturally diverse community and I wanted to make books that would reflect appreciation for diversity—I knew children who didn’t see themselves in books and I wanted to expand our public dialogue. There’s a kind of homelessness that can exist even when you have a home. One of my favorite teachers Sekou Sundiata, a poet, said “We are all homeless in time.”

I think it was hard to be a child a hundred years ago, and it will be hard to be a child a hundred years from now. All children’s books are about social issues. I really mean that we all write and draw about things that are important to us. Quite a lot of children’s books are about children losing things….In a way, we’re always telling our children, “Bad things can happen and you can be okay.” A friend of mine who works for Amnesty tells me that her child’s favorite page in Selavi is the one where the police officers are staring at all the children. A six year old I know likes the page where a police officer is pushing Selavi out of the way. Maybe there isn’t enough social space for children to address confrontation because we don’t want them to be scared, or we don’t want to be scared ourselves. I seek a balance.

I have been a muralist and community artist for most of my career. There was one project for a lead safehouse, a temporary shelter for families poisened by their own apartments’ lead paint. They wanted to paint about that but when we went over it, they realized the mural needed to be 80% positive because they didn’t want to be looking at tragedy every day.

One thing I find when people ask me why I write the stories that I write—what I love about children’s books is that we’re never supposed to have just one book. We’re not supposed to have just one story. It’s the most equitable society that I could find, even though it isn’t—many people aren’t getting published who should be—but for me, the world of stories is aware that we are enriched by diversity, and that we benefit from more stories. The more stories the better, the more voices, the more ears, the better.

When people think about the word “Selavi”—That is life—they often think of it as a negative saying. It cannot be helped, it is not fair, live with it–“that’s life” when it’s something negative. But life is also the sharing and the helping each other. I like to remind people that life is hard but it’s also absurdly wonderful and inspiring. And that is life too!

 

 

 

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Cheaters galore

It never fails to happen. It also never fails to make me mad. I have, once again, caught a student plagiarizing. This happens so frequently (comprising anywhere from 5-15% of my students each semester) that maybe I should be over it, but I get furious every time. What is wrong with our society that so many of our young people don’t give a damn about cheating? And why is it that so few teachers care?

I remember when I was in college at New Mexico State University, a student turned in a plagiarized paper to one of my English classes. He disappeared from that class with an F and there was a rumor that he might be expelled. I was amazed more than shocked. Who in the world would even have the idea of turning in someone else’s work as their own? The concept had never occurred to me.  I didn’t know it was even possible to do such a thing. Once I realized it was possible, I couldn’t imagine why anybody would want to do that. I liked writing. I liked learning things.

But I was also naive about plagiarism in other ways. A fellow student in one of my classes, an older gentleman in his thirties, told me he’d had a great idea for a paper until he went to the library and found out that somebody had already written that argument. “I had to toss that paper,” he said, “because turning it in would be plagiarism.” I assumed that if the idea was original to you–meaning, nobody had suggested the idea, and you hadn’t read it elsewhere first–you could write about it. Maybe part of the problem was that I didn’t spend much time in the library as an undergraduate.

As a teacher, I see egregious versions of plagiarism every single semester. Usually, the students have simply bought one of those free essays online, all too easy for me to find. Also frequent, but less common, a student will cut and paste sentences from several different sources, cobbling together a paper of sorts. I usually have my students write an honesty pledge but it doesn’t stop them. Once, my students signed an honesty pledge that included a sentence reminding them that “cutting and pasting” sentences from other sources without proper attribution was plagiarism. An older student, in his forties, turned in a paper that I found word for word on the internet.

“But I didn’t cut and paste,” he protested. “I printed it out and then re-typed it!!!”

I was dumbfounded. “And you really can’t see that typing somebody else’s essay and turning it in as your own is cheating, just as if you’d cut and pasted it into a document?” I asked. Several times, I admit. I was really shocked that he couldn’t see the difference.

“No,” he kept saying, and finally, “You’re making me feel really dumb.”

“I  don’t think you belong in a college level writing class yet,” I said, and directed him to drop the class and enroll in a remedial writing class.

I still don’t understand why so many students cheat. But the truth is, they get away with it a lot. I still care, and I still do what I can, but there is nowhere I have taught–including Stanford–that makes it simple and easy to deal adequately with a clear case of plagiarism. Most community colleges limit what punishments you can mete out.  Most of them allow you to flunk that paper or assignment, but you cannot flunk the student for the entire class. And expelling a student? Forget about it!

The most demoralizing experience I had as a professor was how one community college dealt with a case of plagiarism I discovered late in the semester a few years ago. The student in question–female and Asian (an important fact, as you’ll see in a minute)–had completely and totally plagiarized her research paper, which was worth 50% of the class grade. There was no question about the fact that she had plagiarized it. I was so mad that I went back and checked her other assignments and sure enough, she’d  plagiarized every single assignment she’d turned in, all semester long.

When I informed her that I would be failing her and recommending that she be expelled (this was still an option at that point), she accused me of being racist and sexist. “I’ve had problems with other professors who don’t like that I’m female or Asian,” she said. She demanded that, in order to prove that I was fair-minded, I must go back and check all the other assignments turned in by every other student.

“None of them plagiarized their research paper,” I told her, “so no, I’m not going to do that.”

She decided to protest the findings. Regardless of the fact that the case of plagiarism was clear and uncontestable, a student has the right to a hearing by a board consisting of students, professors, and administrators. I believe students absolutely have the right to appeal, but I couldn’t believe what happened in this particular case. She demanded the restitution of an A grade and, while the board didn’t go quite that far (they couldn’t, because the evidence of her plagiarism was so overwhelming), they did decide to give her a W. She faced absolutely no repercussions for her clear and flagrant disregard for academic honesty.

For those of us who are adjunct professors anywhere, our employment is tenuous enough that I understand why so many of us choose not to rock the boat and why so many of us just ignore plagiarism when it’s staring us in the face. When the administration doesn’t care, and the penalty for cheating is laughable, and we need to both retain students and not fail very many students, why should we do anything at all?

With the student I just discovered plagiarizing, I gave him a zero for the assignment. I told him he cannot revise the essay and turn it back in again. Like my other students who cheat, he signed an honesty pledge at the beginning of the semester, promising not to plagiarize. Will he flunk the class? It all depends on how he does with the rest of his assignments. The essay is worth 10% of his grade. If he averages a B- for the other assignments he turns in, he’ll be fine.

Makes me mad. But there’s very little I can do about it.

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The San Francisco Anarchist Book Fair

On Saturday, I had a table at San Francisco’s Anarchist Book Fair. I split the table with Corbin Lewars, whose new book, Creating a Life: The Memoir of a Mom and Writer in the Making, just came out with Catalyst Book Press (my small press).

We’d gone to an anarchist parents gathering on Thursday, where Corbin read from both the book and her zine, Reality Mom.  One person had bought a copy of her zine, and several other copies had disappeared without being paid for.  So I expected the day to be a wash. I figured the books would be too expensive and on topics that wouldn’t interest anybody. Besides, anarchists don’t have money, I told Corbin. They live in squats and pass out flyers that say things like, “If you’re not stealing from your boss, you’re letting your boss steal from you.”

But I was surprised. I sold out of all the copies of The Confessional that I had brought. “I think you found your audience,” Corbin told me as copy after copy disappeared from my table.

This has really never happened before, except when the book first came out and I had a book signing in my home town.  

And we sold quite a few copies of both Creating a Life and Labor Pains and Birth Stories. There are a lot of midwives and doulas who are either anarchists or sympathetic, apparently.

What I find interesting about anarchists is how their philosophy of rugged individualism clashes with the very clear “code” dress that they all wear. Lots of black, lots of chains, lots of partially shaved heads, lots of tattoos, and, of course, the ubiquitous political statements that almost always included the word “fuck” somewhere on their clothes…..For example, I saw several people wearing a small pin that read, “Fuck hate.”

I spoke briefly with an anarchist parent who said that her daughter’s struggle is so different than hers. “I was always trying to stand out, to be an individual,” she said. “But X is always trying to fit in.”

I didn’t say it, but surrounded by anarchists, nobody stood out. It’s not being an individual if you’re adhering to some code….even an anarchist code.

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Controversial abortion billboards

Black women in Atlanta are up in arms over controversial billboards pointing out that black women have abortions in disproportionate numbers. There’s an interesting newsvideo by ABC that talked to people from both sides of the debate, both sides bringing up salient points. The group behind the billboards is an organization called The Endangered Species Project.

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Justice in an Unjust World

South Africa houseLast May, while I was traveling around South Africa, a relatively new Christian told me the story of his salvation. He knew God was real and God was good the day God gave him a beautiful house at a price that was substantially below market value; the person who was selling it cheap had fallen on hard times and needed to get rid of it pronto.

“Isn’t it screwed up that you’re thanking God that somebody else has fallen on hard times?” I asked.

I don’t think he understood my unstated point: that a gift from God for one person should not represent injustice or hard times for another person. Even if we assume that the person who had fallen on hard times made bad decisions about their finances, can we really give God credit for our ability to, vulture-like, swoop in when the pickin’ is good?

Such logic leads to genocide.

Such logic has led to genocide, many, many times in history.

*** 

 

underground railroad

The first book I remember reading by myself was a biography of Harriet Tubman, an African American slave who not only escaped slavery herself but became known as “Moses” because she returned to the South over a dozen times and helped over seventy slaves escape to freedom. I was absolutely captivated by the phrase, “the Underground Railroad.” I imagined a literal railroad carved out of rock, deep underneath the earth’s surface, with poor, tattered slaves creeping along in the dark, only a candle to light their way to freedom.

Perhaps because that book represented a pivotal turning point in my education—the ability to read by myself—it also shaped my political and social consciousness. The first novel I wrote as an 11-year-old was the story of a young woman trying to help a slave escape on the Underground Railroad. As an adult, I’ve spent years of my life in graduate school, studying African history. Justice for people of color worldwide has been one of my abiding political concerns. I am bitterly aware of the privilege of my white skin, just as I’m bitterly aware of the disadvantages I face due to my gender.

(As a caveat to the conservatives who read my blog: I don’t believe the government to be a panacea to the social ills of our time. But it is obvious to me that injustice is built into the very fabric of our society, and thus into the warp and weave of every bureaucratic and religious institution and every policy that our government espouses. As a result, I don’t think we can create a solution without addressing it from a political and religious standpoint. This doesn’t mean that I believe the solution should be top-down—government forcing the people to do something that’s not in their heart to do. God, no. I HATE INSTITUTIONS. Plus, I am a firm believer in grassroots movements for social change, from the people on up. But the very point of democracy, and of grassroots change, is that at some point, we must change institutional structures as well—from governments to churches to schools. Anyway, that was a little diversion to my main subject today….)

As I’ve grown older, my concept of justice has grown increasingly complicated. I’ve come to recognize that righting the wrongs of the past so that the future can be more equitable might mean that a lot of Americans—white people, wealthy people of all colors, and, ah yes, even the educated middle-class, which includes me—will have to give up things they currently enjoy. Yes. Among many other changes, justice will definitely mean that we in the U.S. will need to give up our boats, extra cars, and expensive vacations and spend more money on groceries, on housing, on other things.

My preference, of course, is that we could right the wrongs of the past without anybody currently living having to suffer. But I’m not sure that’s possible. It’s not exactly that I believe a lot of people must lower their standards of living in order for the very most poor to be able to raise their standards of living. But I don’t think it’s possible for those of us in western nations to continue to ignore the fact that our wealth is based on our power; and our power comes at the expense of other people’s power which, ultimately, leads to their poverty. A person in India or China or Mexico who is hungry and living in a cardboard shack on the side of the hill will not say, “I demand a fair, living wage.” No, they will take what they can get, and so we continue to pay millions of workers worldwide a non-livable wage so that we can get our cheap products. “It’s better than nothing” is the basic attitude that supports our ongoing economic oppression of the global south. Of course it’s better than nothing. But it’s not enough, and we who have too much need to take Jesus’s words to heart: “The worker is worthy of his wage.”

050328_arizona_mexico_vmed_widecTo right the global wrong of structural social and economic inequality will mean a dramatic decline in the material wealth of western, developed nations. Morally speaking, we cannot continue the system of demanding cheap labor that keeps millions poor around the world just so that we can enjoy cheap products. Morally speaking, I don’t see how middle-class whites in America can ignore the fact that every day, we still enjoy the benefits of slavery—and that millions of people of color still suffer because of it. Is it such a mystery that the worst schools in the nation are also in the ghettos, which were created by systematic racism that crowded people of color into small, crappy neighborhoods so white society could keep races segregated?

To stop oppressing people, we will have to give up some of our power and some of our wealth—and that will feel like suffering to a lot of people, even if it’s really not.

 ***

 When I look at the global injustices, I quickly get bogged down with a what to do what to do panicky kind of feeling. The question I always ask is this: What is my individual responsibility to right global wrongs?

This morning, I received an email from a friend that had me asking another question about justice, one that represents a moral conundrum: What is my individual responsibility to right global wrongs when doing so may hurt another person?  

In other words, where does justice begin and end?

My friend asked me whether she should sacrifice her career by staying silent about secrets she learned in the course of historical research, secrets that would shame an old woman and that woman’s children. Not revealing those secrets kills the basis of my friend’s argument in the monograph she’s writing. Revealing them allows her to explore important women’s issues within the context of religion. She wondered if she was serving the cause of justice by staying silent, in order to be merciful to this old woman and her children? Or was she furthering misogyny by staying silent? Which was it?

ZIMBABWE-ELECTIONS/My friend is faced with a perplexing problem: two different definitions of justice, the personal (keeping somebody’s secret so that they can keep their dignity) vs. the global (advancing the cause of feminism). Which cause is more important? Many people would sacrifice one woman’s dignity in order to serve what they see as a greater cause, women’s issues or some other Big Cause. And okay, serving a Big Cause is important. But are we really serving a Big Cause if we sacrifice one person’s dignity in order to do it?

It reminds me of those old Life Boat Questions: Should we sacrifice one person’s life in order to save a million?  

This is the logic of war, and it’s the logic of most political movements that advocate for one thing or another, but it’s a logic that leaves me cold. Its foundation is an either-or fallacy that fails to look for alternatives. Is it true that somebody must be sacrificed?  

So I ask myself, Is it true that Americans must suffer a decline in living standards in order for developing nations to rise up out of the mire and muck of poverty? Or am I setting myself up with a political either-or fallacy?

My friend’s email went further. One of her friends had recently died in Zimbabwe because medicine for her cancer wasn’t available, and now my friend was wondering whether she was possibly serving the cause for justice if she spent most of her time making meals for her family, making sure they were cozy and warm with a fire at night, books, an apple pie for dessert.

She is not asking a simple question. On the surface, it may appear that she’s asking whether, instead of living a life of American comforts and domestic bliss, she shouldn’t be out there working 80-100 hours a week to get justice for Zimbabweans. And yes, she is asking that. But she’s asking so much more. The average American can’t link their daily life to the poverty of an African nation…but my friend can. Because she’s studied African history, I know she sees the many and varied links that connect the wealth of the westernized global north, including individuals like you and me, to the impoverishment of the global south, like her Zimbabwean friend who died of cancer because the medicine wasn’t available in her country.

So even more than asking whether she should be devoting her intellectual and creative career to the fight for justice, she’s wondering whether the very basis of her domestically blissful life is inherently flawed.

townshipThis is her question: If my good fortune comes at the expense of another, is it really good fortune?

If we Americans enjoy access to cheap medicine and cheap goods, and as a result, we have policies that destroy individuals, families, and nations around the world, resulting in a Zimbabwean woman’s inability to buy medicine for her cancer….can we really say we have good fortune?

I will not entertain the simplistic and foolhardy argument that Zimbabwe’s problems are Zimbabwe’s problems alone. Is Mugabe a maniac running his country into the ground? Yes. But are Zimbabwe’s problems a result of Mugabe alone? No. When you look at the history of that country, the political and other problems of Zimbabwe are directly related to colonial policies put in place first by Great Britain, then by the European settlers, and then, post-independence, exacerbated and compounded and made worse by World Bank and IMF policies. In fact, when you look at the history of every single impoverished country, they all have a symbiotic relationship with a wealthy country like ours, always to their detriment.

 ***

(P.S. This is becoming a book and I just meant to write a simple blog post on justice. Ha!)

 ***

And as to this question, “If my good fortune comes at the expense of another, is it really good fortune?”…well, I don’t have a simple answer to that either.

Back to my opening anecdote about the Christian who thanked God for his new house, even though it represented hardship for another person, and my statement that such logic has led to genocide….

Genocide_sizedWhen Americans thank God for the U.S., for the freedoms we enjoy, I wonder if we would still be so grateful if we thought about the millions of Native American who were killed so we could “get” this land? Or if we thought about the lives that are currently being destroyed because of Native American policies we created long ago, destructive policies that have never been rectified, but which were part of the very basis of our getting this land?

I’m not trying to make an argument of “poor noble savage” against “rich greedy white capitalists.” I’m simply pointing out that it was wrong to kill millions of Native Americans 200 years ago, and that it is wrong that we still have policies that continue to impoverish millions of Native Americans by offering inferior education on the reservations and allowing the cycle of welfare to keep generations in its grip. It was wrong to enslave Africans 200 years ago, and it was wrong to create race-based ghettos a hundred years ago, and it’s wrong that we make only half-hearted efforts to change the situation today.

Is it really God acting on our behalf to give us a cheap house, cheap goods, cheap food, cheap cars…when millions of people worldwide work hard 50 or 60 hours a week to give us those cheap goods and cheap food and cheap cars but yet they still live in shacks and fail to have enough money to feed themselves and their families?

I’m full-circle back to the either-or fallacy: to change the system, to bring justice to millions worldwide, means some of us who have never suffered will have to suffer.

 

2-GodThe Old Testament disturbs me because it shows a God who would encourage his people, the Israelites, to commit genocide, and then “give them” the land they had just vacated through murder and mayhem.

I’ve never understood the logic of this kind of justice.

But.

This is the same God my friend was thanking when he said God had given him a cheap house.

This is the same God that Americans thank for giving them this land, despite the millions of lives that were sacrificed as a result.

This is the same God that Afrikaners thanked when they went to war to take land from Xhosas, Zulu, the Khoisan.

This is the same God that Mormons thanked when they came to Utah and massacred American-Indians and then took the land as theirs.

And is this the same God we continue to thank for our good fortune as Americans….? Is it really good fortune if it comes at the expense of millions of people worldwide? I would like to believe in a good and loving God but I can’t believe in the “good and loving” God that many American Christians define as being on their side and helping them get the things they both want and need….not when it comes at the expense of other people. Either that’s a fucked up God or those people are sadly, sadly mistaken—they call it “God” when it’s really injustice operating in their favor. (Ah, here we are, back to my either-or fallacy….Is there a third option?)

***

Daily, my emotional level is kept on a low simmer as I contemplate the multiple ways that American culture, lifestyle, and politics perpetuates poverty around the world. I feel overwhelmed every time I go to the grocery store and realize that, no matter what, shopping means that I’m participating in global oppression.

I realize I must eat, and that the grocery store is my only option as long as I live here….

Where does an individual begin, if he or she wants to right wrongs that exist on a global scale and that we all participate in?

And what does an individual like my friend do when they realize that it’s wrong to expose one woman’s shame in order to change a global injustice?

I wish I had an answer.

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Womanhood, Fertility, & Identity

In college, my best friend once described her hips as “child-bearing hips.” She knew back then that she wanted children and, indeed, now has six beautiful and healthy daughters.

Me? I didn’t even know what hips were. Literally. If somebody had provided me pictures of two headless bodies-one male, one female-I wouldn’t have been able to distinguish the outline of hips on the female body.

A boyfriend once pointed out a transvestite, then said, knowingly, “You can always tell the difference between a woman and a transvestite. A transvestite lacks hips.”

My response? “Huh?” The transvestite looked like a perfectly beautiful woman to me!

***

I was never one of those women whose overwhelming desire in life was to have children, what some childless men and women have sneeringly referred to as a breeder.

Motherhood was simply never one of my goals.

One of the reasons I left organized religion, in fact, was the emphasis it all too often places on motherhood. I always felt devalued as a woman in the Christian church, and it never comforted me to have my feminist concerns pooh-poohed with a well-meaning, but completely off the mark, comment like this: “But women are completely valued in the church. There’s nothing more important than motherhood. That’s the most important role in life, male or female.”

I heard a preacher one time say that he was sick and tired of hearing people say that God doesn’t value women. “God chose a woman to carry his only begotten son,” he said. “That should prove how valuable women are! They’re more valuable than men!” (I didn’t have the guts to raise my hand and ask if he actually thought God would have chosen a man to give birth to his only begotten son, which would have truly been a miracle….but I definitely thought about it.)

Whenever I heard the emphasis on motherhood in sermons, I wanted to ask: If women are valuable because they are mothers, what happens to a woman’s value if she’s infertile? Or if she can conceive, but her body is incapable of carrying a baby to term? If women are valued precisely because they are mothers, does a woman cease to be valuable if she is unable or unwilling to contribute to the ongoing human gene pool? And are women to be valued for nothing else? Can’t they be valued as scientists, artists, educators, and healers? What about being valued because we’re funny, smart, thoughtful, or we make a good friend?

I never got around to asking those questions. I just stopped going to church. I was tired of crying all the time, tired of fighting people with stupid ideas about what constitutes a person’s value.

I’d go as far as to argue that this strong correlation between motherhood and saintliness, and the conflation of our value as women with our fertility, can be labeled as spiritual abuse.

A person is valuable because of who they are, not because of the fertility-related identity role(s) they assume in life, roles such as wife, mother, grandmother. A woman should never be valued simply because of her ability to conceive and bear a child, just like a man should never be valued simply because he produces viable sperm.

So why do so many women’s self-images founder on their ability to conceive and bear a child, to successfully raise functioning members of society-at-large?

***

I never thought of myself as a slow learner, but when it comes to parenthood, I’m definitely a late-bloomer.

Throughout my twenties, I was grateful that I didn’t have children. The life of an artist is hard enough without adding babies to the mix, I thought.

When I first got married in my mid-twenties, my husband (now ex) and I planned to remain blissfully childfree. I hadn’t anticipated, then, that my biological clock would kick in with a vengeance as I approached thirty. Suddenly, to my surprise, I wanted kids. Oh, not the goobery, snotty-faced, diaper-rashed babies that grow up into delightful, creative, intelligent young people; no, as I approached thirty, I suddenly realized that I’d be thrilled if my children could emerge from my womb, already 10 or 11 or 12 years old. Talking in complete sentences. Potty-trained. Relatively independent already. You know, little adults.

This was an impossible dream, of course, unless I was willing to adopt an older child and deal with the potentially debilitating emotional problems they might have-always a crapshoot.

In lieu of heading down that path just yet, my husband and I have recently been trying for the flesh-and-blood variety, a normal baby conceived in the normal way pushed out of a normal vagina at the normal age of 0 months’ old. I guess I’m willing to subject myself to sleepless nights, poopy diapers, and sore breasts so I can get that pre-teen, teenager, college-student, and adult child I long for down the road.

But even as I embrace my identity as a woman “TTC” (a popular internet acronym that stands for “trying to conceive”), I still vacillate in my desire for children and it has to do with that fragile thing called identity.

There is always one solid reason for me to give up on the idea of motherhood: my identity as an artist. I’ve worked hard to get to the place where I am. I write five or six hours every day, and then teach college writing classes and run my small literary press on top of that. Recently, I’ve started working as a writing coach, and offering private writing classes in my home for children, teenagers, and adults. I easily put in twelve hours a day. It’s hard to imagine how I’ll balance all of that with motherhood.

It’s when I contemplate the vast gulf between what I desire to do with my life and the reality of raising children that I begin to wonder if I really want them.

Yet just when I think I might be “okay” with foregoing the pleasures of parenting, I realize I’m still captive to the idea that being a woman means being a mother. Intellectually, I know that this is a false belief. Emotionally, somewhere deep inside of me, I still believe that to live a full life, experiencing the full range of human emotions, requires adopting the role of parenthood, however your children come into your life.

Why the hell do I continue to associate my value as a woman with my fertility?

And so, I’m on the verge of giving up, of saying, “No more. I don’t want to try to get pregnant any more. That doesn’t mean I’ll try to prevent pregnancy, but I don’t want my life to be dominated by cervical fluid, basal body temperature, and that period that comes late but inevitably comes.”

It’s true that I’ve only been trying for eight months but I’m already tired of the emotional roller-coaster. Twice, my period has been a week late. In those days when I think I might be pregnant, my mind jumps to sugary fantasies of what it’ll be like, and I’m overwhelmed by the I can’t wait-ness of it all.

And then the disappointment sets in when my basal body temperature drops, menstrual blood arrives, and I discover that I’m not, after all, pregnant.

I wonder how women do this over and over and over? You know, those women that try to conceive for years and years and years? Those women that go to heroic efforts, spend all sorts of time and money, all in their quest to have a child?

I don’t think I can keep it up.

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m willing to give up on the so-called “fullness of life experience” b.s. I was just blathering on about if it means some emotional sanity.

I’m fortunate. A few days ago, as we were having yet another discussion about my on-again off-again desire to get pregnant, my husband looked at me and said, “You are my world. I don’t need anything else.” And we once again talked about what we will do if we don’t get pregnant-move to South Africa or Mozambique, to the Caribbean, to Ecuador or Argentina or Brazil, or maybe to all of those places for a few years apiece. Or we could take in foreign-born foster children, generally teenagers by the time they make it here after spending years in refugee camps.

Without children, the world is our oyster.

But still, it all comes down to this crux issue: What does it mean to be a woman? What does it mean for me to feel valuable as a person?

We all, we all, need to learn to value ourselves apart from these roles we assume in life. For me, that includes the role of artist. If I replace motherhood with artist, am I really any better off? I’m still valuing myself by something that is transitory, fleeting. We don’t achieve immortality through our art. Nor do we achieve it by bearing offspring.

As I move forward TTC, or not TTC, I hope I can learn to value myself as Jessica with no titles attached to my name.

***

Last November, I had a dream about motherhood and identity. In the dream, I was in a house, surrounded by women I know who have young children. I wandered from person to person, but I couldn’t relate to any of them. In fact, I felt inferior as I talked with them-there was a sense in which all of them had experienced a part of womanhood that I lacked, and so we couldn’t connect. I felt, well, robbed. And even as I tried to interest them in non-motherhood-related topics, I realized what I was doing: they seemed to think I was inferior because I wasn’t a mother and so, subconsciously and nastily, I was trying to turn the tables by demonstrating that I’d had an interesting career and had traveled to so many exotic locales and done so many interesting things that they would never do, encumbered as they were with snot-faced babies and dirty diapers.

Eventually, not liking that dynamic one tiny little bit, I separated myself from the mothers with babies and went to another part of the house. There, I was joined by my many African friends, and we discussed Africa, and politics, and health, and religion, and we ignored the issue of motherhood. Though many of my African friends are also parents, I felt none of the distance I’d felt from my mother-friends, who were treating me as though I was less of a woman because I wasn’t a mother.

I woke up and felt a moment of grief, like the dream was telling me I’d lost my chance at motherhood, that I’d traded it in for Africa and my writing.

On reflection later, I realized that of course, I have never given up my dream of motherhood-until the last few years, I didn’t have a spouse with whom I could have children. Instead, the dream was speaking to me about my hidden desire to be a mother as well as the obvious calling on my life to Africa and as a writer. My desire to have it all.

It was also reminding me of this unassailable truth: While all the other women in the room had chosen motherhood first-and let me add, they are all young women I admire, who have made the choices they wanted to make by choosing children over career, at least for the time being-I had chosen it second. And ultimately, I found myself in a room with the people I had chosen: Africans.

It was a revelation.

As I embark on this next stage of my life, trying to get pregnant, I’m constantly filled with doubts. Sometimes I wonder if motherhood is what God intends for me, or even if motherhood is something I want to add to my mixture of things I’ve already chosen (or that has chosen me)-Africa and writing. Sometimes I feel desperate to be pregnant, now, and sometimes, I secretly hope I’m not pregnant, so that nothing needs to change. In fact, I worry about how motherhood will prevent me from doing the things I feel I’m supposed to do, in Africa, as a writer-those vague, hazy outline of things that make up my future. I’m still waiting for the clarion call from God, the angel of the Lord appearing to me in a dream, the way he did with Mary and Joseph, and telling me, “This is what you’re supposed to do. I’ve arranged everything for you. It won’t be easy but at least there’s no doubt about it.”

But that’s too easy and, in all likelihood, false. The path that God marked out for Mary and Joseph must have seemed hazy and uncertain to them. It is only clear in retrospect, when written about as a narrative, a narrative that brooks no other possible paths.

I wonder how fearful and frustrated Mary and Joseph must have felt as they walked down that road, wondering all the time if they could veer in a different direction, or if they even wanted to, or if this was really the path they were supposed to be on and if they weren’t just fooling themselves.

I wonder how much of this path I’m following I charted myself, and how much has been charted for me.

I suppose I’ll never know.

And, at least some of the time, I’m okay with that.

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