discipline


Saying no to sex, Christians, and charities…saying yes to the eternal Why?

My mother used to read books that had titles like People Pleaser: Learn How to Say No. She used to say this was a real problem for women—we struggle to say no, we want to please others. I don’t know if that’s really true for the majority of women, but my people pleasing mother certainly raised a people pleasing daughter. I feel tremendous guilt when I tell somebody, “No.”

 I was the 16-year-old teenager who didn’t really want to have sex with my boyfriend…but couldn’t say no. And once you’ve said yes to having sex with your boyfriend, how do you go back and say no? I tried but it was impossible. There’s a line in one of my all-time favorite short stories, “Lust” by Susan Minot, that describes it perfectly: “Then they get mad after when you say enough is enough. After, when it’s easier to explain that you don’t want to. You wouldn’t dream of saying that maybe you weren’t really ready to in the first place.”

 Why was I more afraid of saying “no” to my boyfriend’s insistent demands for sex than dealing with the emotional consequences of saying yes? Read More

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Alternative Views on the Texas Polygamists

I’ve kept my mouth shut about the Texas polygamist raids, mostly because I think that it’s such a complicated subject. On the one hand, I agree with freedom of religion. On that same hand, I don’t have a problem with polygamy in certain contexts, when you are talking about long-standing cultural traditions and consenting adults, such as what you find in many African communities. On the other hand, I do have a problem with child abuse, coercion, and brain-washing, regardless of where, how, when, and in what context it happens (even if I happen to agree with the message that is being sent via brain-washing, I disagree strenuously with the method. I love how many people call something propaganda only because they disagree with it–but fail to recognize propaganda when they happen to agree with it.) (On yet another hand, says Ms. Octopus, rearing children in general veers into that arena of brain-washing and propaganda. I don’t know any self-respecting parent who doesn’t try to instill values in their children, but I think there is a gray area between instilling said values and training children to think exactly like you think.) Okay. Having said all that, I do find the tactics of the FLDS church to be fairly coercive; and enough information has emerged from those communities to indicate widespread child and wife abuse. Nevertheless, here are two blogs/columns, one which argues that the state of Texas was correct in raiding the compound and the other that argues it was indeed a violation of religious freedom and individual rights. Both interesting posts and both have interesting things to say. I don’t know much about the guy who wrote the second article, but the first post was written by a woman whose granddaughter is the daughter of a rather infamous polygamist now in jail for bombing a church and killing an FBI agent, Addam Swapp. Her entire blog is interesting and heartfelt….I definitely encourage people who are interested to read it.

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Giving Parents Homework

Damian Frye gives the parents of his 9th-grade students homework. They have to read some of the literature his students read and comment on a blog. The students’ grade is partially dependent on whether their parents participate or not….

I’m not sure if this is brilliant and innovative (kudos to him for getting parents involved in their kids’ education) or just plain unjust. Remember how horrible  and unfair it felt for the entire class to be punished because one person misbehaved? And remember how the only way that person who got everybody in trouble would get beat up on the playground afterwards was if they were already the class scapegoat? And how it wouldn’t work to regulate behavior anyway? And if the person who got everybody punished was the class clown and cool, somehow the teacher wouldn’t use that system of punishment anyway and if by some odd chance the teacher did, that person would never get beat up on the playground afterwards even though the expectation was that somehow the kids would regulate behavior of the other students if they were all punished? Read More

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